Oct
4
A Guide to “Going Negative”
Filed Under Notes From Charles
As the final month of the current election seems to be lowering the tone of the campaigns why are some still surprised that many Americans find this so disgusting? Though in recent years we have come to expect as much from polarized groups who desperately seek to win, we are more than disquieted to see this presented as the way human beings should treat other human beings or at least how Americans should treat other Americans. But we know what’s going on. We deal with it everyday in our own lives.
We see smiling contempt on the faces of candidates as they seek to visit shame upon the house of another and we are reminded of what doesn’t work in our own lives. Defensive attacks lack compassion or empathy… the necessary ingredients for respect. The rhetoric of shaming seeks to reduce the other, control the other and aggrandize one’s own side through that tactic. Like the bully who has no other resource for self-esteem than to make others feel bad, “going negative” is much more sinister than it may seem. It is much more destructive than we might recognize - to public discourse, honest communication, and productive collaboration. It only works when you will never have to see, live or work with that person again. If you don’t believe me then try spending a few minutes around that famed “kitchen table” to which the politicians are fond of referring.
Other than politics and the economy there are other topics that get discussed around the kitchen tables of America. As a marriage counselor I have a few insights into that dialogue and the destructive elements within it. Many couples sit silently around that table or angrily around that table because they have experience with the same “go negative” forms of communication we see portrayed in the presidential campaign. Until we learn to build our own self-worth not out of always winning but rather from an identity based in awareness of both the beauty and the beast in our hearts, we will be tempted to feel better about “us” by visiting shame upon “them.” Successful marriages tend to find their way past the need to expose each other’s weaknesses in order to win the “I’m right” competition at all costs. Partners in unsuccessful couples may often win the arguments but lose the relationship.
So the point of my comparison is as simple as it seems. We know that when dialogue takes this path, no real communication is happening and truth is corrupted. We know that it brings out the worst of human beings and is at odds with the values we claim in our better moments. We know that tolerance in America is not enough. Imagine someone saying that you were “tolerable.” We want a nation and world that shows respect… no matter what. Respect is built not just of tolerance but of empathy and compassion. It is destroyed easily when we are insecure and cannot manage our own experiences of humiliation… a part of life that is oft avoided. We must learn to manage these moments when our desires are opposed, our expectations frustrated and our personal reputations humiliated. It is precisely those moments when we must commit ourselves to retain respect instead of reveling in another’s failures.
Perhaps this is a lesson that is needed in all areas of our community and our lack of recognition of this issue plays a big part in marital dissatisfaction, to say nothing of failure and even violence in our schools, faith groups and other institutions. Aggression is often taken for granted as the only way to manage conflict. Aggression is always a sign of insecurity. Assertiveness is all that is needed from a voice that is willing to manage their own world and need not control others’. As Angeles Arian once wrote, “Speak your truth without blame or judgment and let go of the outcome.” Or if you prefer or profess Jesus, “let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Charles Gaby,
Fort Worth, Texas
Aug
4
Deafening Silence
Filed Under Notes From Charles
Thanks to all of you who viewed or signed last month’s blog entry. As you could probably tell, the fourth of July brought up some hard feelings for me with regard to the casualties of war. I am often disturbed by the deafening silence of the masses in the face of such violence and death. Perhaps I have just never fully acclimated to the human condition. But I know I am not alone. I am reminded of David Wilcox’ lyrics
“Hopelessness always comes easy
But easy does not make it right.
Courage can push past that surface
But fear will still put up a fight
Then I get scared and scattered
And I don’t know where to begin
Why even care, it doesn’t matter
Why fight when you know you can’t win
Its easier just to give in.”
from Underneath by David Wilcox
In the past, when voicing my distress about the “state of the world”, I have often felt that kind of hopelessness. In the Roots of Change offerings I find the balance that allows me to feel those fears and face that distress as signals rather than reality. There is hope to be discovered when you grow in self understanding or experience the kind or revelations found in ROCs group processes. In fact I have to say that, while these groups encourage open expression of fear, anger and distress, the majority of the encounters seem more about excitement and enjoyment. Isn’t that what we long for the most?
In his treatise on Creation Spirituality, Matthew Fox wrote:
Blessing is politically dangerous; the art of savoring is politically suspect; pleasure is too often a route to sharing pleasure – which is justice-making. And justice-making conjures up passionate criticism of what is. As W. H. Auden put it, ‘As a rule it was the pleasure-haters who became unjust.’ The prophets and others who disturbed the status quo did not seek only justice. They sought blessing, blessing for the many, not just for the few.” from Original Blessing by Matthew Fox
I have recently had the opportunity to see an amazing movie that captures the transformative nature of enjoyment. The movie, As it is in Heaven, was made in Sweden and to my knowledge has not been released in the US except for a screening at the Angelika in Dallas. It is available to purchase in the foreign formatting but will not play in a domestic (ntsc format) DVD player. I have found places that sell or rent the European formatted DVD players however, and I have shown the movie to many friends. I highly recommend viewing it as an experiment in the power of enjoyment to transform ourselves and our communities.
Jul
4
The Pledge
Filed Under Uncategorized
Written by Charles Gaby
Forgive us for putting you in this position. We wish we could say we didn’t know better, but the truth is that we often feel hopeless and apathetic about finding alternatives to violence. Violent responses are what we inherited, and we have not tried hard enough to leave a different world to our children. Forgive us for buying into a belief that violence is a solution when it is clear from history that it is at best a temporary one. Forgive us for allowing the industrial military complex to convince us that technology and weapons will make us safer even though history teaches that advances in defense technology only lead to arms races. Forgive us for not working more diligently at learning how to change our violent tendencies, practice conflict resolution, build relationships, and mature in our ways of understanding our own emotions. Forgive us for putting you in harm’s way to protect us from violence born of ignorance and lack of communication.
Your sacrifices are necessary because of our failures at building relationships. We pledge to you our love and beg your forgiveness. We pledge to never again hide our guilt in sentimentality or wrap your sacrifices in a flag or religion to hide our own shame. We cannot ask forgiveness unless we change. So we pledge to you, to do all we can to make a stand. We will join others to learn how to transform our own lives and build bridges of understanding between the people of our communities and world. We pledge to wage peace so that one day we won’t have to depend on you to wage war.