Oct
4
A Guide to “Going Negative”
Filed Under Notes From Charles
As the final month of the current election seems to be lowering the tone of the campaigns why are some still surprised that many Americans find this so disgusting? Though in recent years we have come to expect as much from polarized groups who desperately seek to win, we are more than disquieted to see this presented as the way human beings should treat other human beings or at least how Americans should treat other Americans. But we know what’s going on. We deal with it everyday in our own lives.
We see smiling contempt on the faces of candidates as they seek to visit shame upon the house of another and we are reminded of what doesn’t work in our own lives. Defensive attacks lack compassion or empathy… the necessary ingredients for respect. The rhetoric of shaming seeks to reduce the other, control the other and aggrandize one’s own side through that tactic. Like the bully who has no other resource for self-esteem than to make others feel bad, “going negative” is much more sinister than it may seem. It is much more destructive than we might recognize - to public discourse, honest communication, and productive collaboration. It only works when you will never have to see, live or work with that person again. If you don’t believe me then try spending a few minutes around that famed “kitchen table” to which the politicians are fond of referring.
Other than politics and the economy there are other topics that get discussed around the kitchen tables of America. As a marriage counselor I have a few insights into that dialogue and the destructive elements within it. Many couples sit silently around that table or angrily around that table because they have experience with the same “go negative” forms of communication we see portrayed in the presidential campaign. Until we learn to build our own self-worth not out of always winning but rather from an identity based in awareness of both the beauty and the beast in our hearts, we will be tempted to feel better about “us” by visiting shame upon “them.” Successful marriages tend to find their way past the need to expose each other’s weaknesses in order to win the “I’m right” competition at all costs. Partners in unsuccessful couples may often win the arguments but lose the relationship.
So the point of my comparison is as simple as it seems. We know that when dialogue takes this path, no real communication is happening and truth is corrupted. We know that it brings out the worst of human beings and is at odds with the values we claim in our better moments. We know that tolerance in America is not enough. Imagine someone saying that you were “tolerable.” We want a nation and world that shows respect… no matter what. Respect is built not just of tolerance but of empathy and compassion. It is destroyed easily when we are insecure and cannot manage our own experiences of humiliation… a part of life that is oft avoided. We must learn to manage these moments when our desires are opposed, our expectations frustrated and our personal reputations humiliated. It is precisely those moments when we must commit ourselves to retain respect instead of reveling in another’s failures.
Perhaps this is a lesson that is needed in all areas of our community and our lack of recognition of this issue plays a big part in marital dissatisfaction, to say nothing of failure and even violence in our schools, faith groups and other institutions. Aggression is often taken for granted as the only way to manage conflict. Aggression is always a sign of insecurity. Assertiveness is all that is needed from a voice that is willing to manage their own world and need not control others’. As Angeles Arian once wrote, “Speak your truth without blame or judgment and let go of the outcome.” Or if you prefer or profess Jesus, “let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Charles Gaby,
Fort Worth, Texas
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